The Best Accessories in the World

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I’m here to talk to you today about accessories, but not any old accessory, not even your average expensive belt or wallet with an elaborate all over print on it or something. I’m here to talk about something I’m fascinated with: STUPID FASHION ACCESSORIES. I absolutely adore learning about all the dumb things labels make, but I love it even more when I find out that dumb thing sold out.

Now when I say stupid, I want to clarify it’s a positive thing. In this context, stupid probably means something along the lines of “Wow, holy shit, that is almost funny how excessive that is. That thing really didn’t need to be manufactured, but now that it’s been made, it’s fucking sweet and I want it for no discernible reason. I would sink a fair amount of money into this thing, and then never touch it again.”

To start things off, Supreme made some paper bags a while back. These are regular paper bags, stamped with the box logo, and specifically manufactured with the purpose of using them to carry your 40oz out around in public. Completely on brand, and sold in packs of 5. On the higher end of things in the paper bag realm, Jil Sander made some paper bags with much more minimal branding, retailing for £185, and sold out instantly, which is LIT AS HELL, MY DUDE. That’s like the ultimate flex for both the brand and the consumer. Jil Sander is like, “we just printed the logo on a bag and people bought it lmfao we fucking rock”, and the customer who bought it is like, “lmao everyone at my job is going to be jealous of my bagged lunch, let’s get it poppin’ fam”.

Jil also made a skateboard deck design for Selfridges, which is cool as hell and I want multiple so I can hang them all in my apartment. I would carry one around with me and people would come up to me and be like “are you venturing into skateboarding” like that vine where the photographer asks Kanye if he’s “venturing into the fashion industry”, except I am way more interested in just looking at the board instead of skating it. Speaking of things I think are sweet but have no interest in skating, Rick Owens made a skateboard out of petrified wood that one time. Not only does it cost $15,000, but it’s literally un-skateable due to the whole “petrified wood” thing, which is SWEET. I’m all about functionally useless items that are just a flex because of the fact that you own them.

Now, for something a little more functional, I want to talk about lanyards. Givenchy has like, the quintessential dumb lanyard to me, because when I see it pop up on whatever website I’m shopping on, it’s usually just a regular ass lanyard. I’m sure it’s a little more interesting than a regular lanyard for some reason, but that shit is almost always just a straightforward lanyard, except they usually cost LIKE $250 LMFAOOOOO. Also worth noting: the Raf Simons lanyard, which is all leather and has a zipper in the middle. It’s great for confusing your elderly relatives and making any outfit you have on suddenly qualify as “turbo” because of the extra pinch of leather/zipper it brings to the table.

But you don’t want to stop there, right? When I mentioned “confuse your elderly relatives”, your ears perked up, am I right? Well look no further, folks, I’ve got just the thing. Helmut Lang’s handcuff bracelet is a real crowd pleaser. Some of you might ask “Isn’t that weird, to want to look like you have half a pair of handcuffs hanging off your arm?” to which I reply “Please do not speak to me no do not even look at me I am so into this bracelet please get out of my sight.” It’s the perfect blend of a regular accessory with some wild shit but it’s gorgeous and I want it so bad, hmu if you have one you can sell to me. I have small bird wrists and I need to draw attention to the accessories I wear so that no one notices my weak arms.

To round things off, I present to you the Undercover hamburger lamp, which is probably, uh, just, uh, probably the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s shaped like a burger with fangs (thank god), it’s battery operated lol, and it’ll run you a shit ton of money because it was a limited item that came out in 2002. I personally would like to buy several of them, draw a pentagram on the floor, and then surround the shape with the burger lamps in order to summon some sort of burger demon to come and give me a bunch of money so I can buy everything I’ve mentioned so far. But Undercover didn’t stop there, ur boi Jun Takahashi made a backpack that looks like a castle (???) AND THAT SHIT IS FLAMES MY GUY. Like, why would you ever want a backpack that looks like a castle? Why would you ever even manufacture that? HOW would you even manufacture that? Hell if know, but that thing is amazing. 8th Wonder of the World: Undercover’s castle backpack.

I think everyone likes to pretend that if they suddenly won a lottery or inherited something from a nonexistent wealthy relative, that they’d use the money for useful things, like supporting themselves or their family, paying bills, or maybe donating it. Now that I’ve written this article, I hope I’ve convinced every last person reading it to be a 100% certified savage and just buy as many Givenchy lanyards as they possibly could, tie them all to their belt loops, and walk around with lanyards all draped around their waist like some sort of useless, expensive performance art piece. Because I think that’s what being #lit is all about.