Hey guys. So while I’m sure you all are on the hunt for your next grail piece, or you just copped that winter gear with your holiday money, or you just asked your mom for Christmas to get you “dress clothes” because you spent all your money on black 750’s, you’ve probably gotten some nice clothes in the past year. 

    Whilst walking down the street in your new bomber, flexing your #coolteens lifestyle, just remember, you won’t be young forever. But luckily, that frumpy bomber will keep you that way. 

    As I see beat up clothes on you guys with barf stains from your frat house friend’s dirty mouth, and cuts in the fabric from failing to hop over fences, it really cements in my mind how taking care of your clothes can upgrade your lifestyle from being a irresponsible delinquent, to at least looking like you can wake up in time for Saturday morning cartoons.

    At the end of the day we are all hopeless fashion nerds who no one respects really. So therefore being able to hide the fact that we live off Paypal credit and boxes of Pocky is one step for the bettering of our lives.

    Today, in honor of leaving home and trying to hide your crappy lifestyle, I will teach you the ways of taking good care of your clothing.

STORAGE

    First things first fuccbois please please please buy yourself wooden hangers. I can’t stress it enough when I see people with stretch marks on their shoulders like they just hoisted a Rick Owens marble bed over their head. You gotta keep your jackets, especially wool coats, leather, and blazers hung up on wide wood to keep them from stretching. Cop here

    Please keep your clothing out of prolonged sunlight. You don’t want your hoodies to fade like your summer camp t-shirt. Keep that ish in the closet and out of light like your new found love for Justin Bieber’s/ Kanye influenced style.

    Make sure to fold and keep your sweaters laying flat. These items can stretch easily and should be kept in drawers to keep moths from knawing at them. Bugs are gross, word up Dior Homme SS 2006. Watch my mans Anton show you how to fold. Watch here

    For jeans you can either fold them flat or hang them with a clasp hanger. Luckily jeans are one of the easiest items to take care of just don’t spill your keef on them, that’s not cool distressing.

    Storing shoes that are loafers, or oxfords, monks, heels, or delicate boots and sneakers, please use shoetrees. My favorite are woodlore shoe trees. Use the respective sizing and the respective model for shoes or heels. Even though your grandpa has them in his Sperry’s just get over yourself and take care of your shoes. Shoetree here. Shoetree for heel here

    HANG EVERYTHING ELSE that’s not underwear and socks, like seriously it’s way more flexy to walk into a hanging closest than draws of t shirts. Please hang your button up shirts buttoned, and hang dresses and delicate shirts by their ties on the shoulders. You should try and buy wood hangers for everything, but I understand $$ is low, so try to at least have those fake velvet hangers. Buy here

WASHING

    So while most of you fuckbois smell like my breath after taco Tuesday, please not only keep your clothes clean, but also don’t smell up in your clothes.

    When it comes to washing ALWAYS READ THE CARE TAGS. Please, I know you all can at least read Dr. Seuss or those subtitles on Attack on Titan because even being a #coolteen you know dubs are lame. 

    If you can’t read or you can’t follow any of the instructions in this tutorial for the love of Gucci Mane please take your clothes to your local dry cleaner and ask them to deal with it. 

    For clothes that say “dry clean only” I will highly recommend following that rule, but of course if you low on the $$ there are always alternatives. A favorite cleaning product of mine are the dry cleaning moist towellets you can get from Woolite. Do not sleep; these are a lifesaver when your fire clothing needs to get a freshening. Buy here.

    Even if your clothes say dry-clean only you can hand wash your clothes gently, like how you pet your illegitimate cat. The key to this is only washing the parts that smell, AKA usually the flipping pits. Some fire cleaning detergent is the stuff from The Laundress, and please use the appropriate detergent with the appropriate coloring (cop here). Also use your hands or a light towel for scrubbing; do not use a freaking yellow sponge to re color your clothing with piss like stains. 

    If you have a stain there are many ways to get these out, and I highly recommend looking at this chart here (using the laundress detergent listed as “product containing enzymes.")

    Certain soap bars are also fantastic at removing stains such as the Laundress Soap stain remover for general use (buy here), and the Confiança soap bar for silk, rayon, wool, mohair and nylon garments (buy here).

    Make sure to hang your clothing properly when drying as well. Get yourself a drying rack to hang even your underwear and socks. Dry all of your clothing flat and evenly. Dryers are a serious black hole or sorrow for nice clothes; only use them for your crappy gym clothing from middle school. Scoop here.

    For shoes you gotta be super aware of what materials you are scrubbing on for stains. For general rubber or hard leather, it’s okay to use something like Pink Miracle, which will help scrub away set stains (buy here). If you have suede shoes use a suede brush to gently try and get out the excess (buy here).  Do not do anything fancy like putting your shoes in a washing machine. Only do so if you use your haters J's as plates. 

    And guys, if you spend your whole paycheck on a pair of shoes or a jacket, please take it to a dry cleaner or a specialty repair store before you accidentally don’t know the difference between leather and suede like you don’t know the difference between good fits and bricked ones.

BEFORE YOU ON THE $TREET$

    Now that your clothes smell good and have been stored for the next morning, its time to stare at your closet and cry tears of joy knowing that you can only afford ramen for the next month. 

    If you got wrinkles in something that isn’t your Our Legacy crinkle pullover please step to the side and buy yourself a steamer. Buy a home steamer and you will never have to learn how to flipping iron you’re clothing. It will never damage your clothing. If your steamer aint fading the smooth clothes life quick enough, using a Downy wrinkle releaser on clothes that aren’t suede, silk, rayon or leather can be a great cop out from waking up early. Cop this.

    Put on your button shirts unbuttoned before you forget how much weight you gained. And put on your shoes with shoehorn. Literally if it’s a freaking pair of vans like still use one, you will not regret it when your heel tabs are stiff as your position as sales associate at PacSun. Cops here.

    CHECK THE WEATHER AND YOUR SCHEDRULE, LIKE COME ON. Don’t wear delicate leather or suede or even any nice pieces in the rain or snow. If you’re going to get sweaty or your on the beach, or you got peer pressured into going to a music festival only to find out you the weed brownie you ate stained your supreme basketball jersey.  Be aware of your surroundings for the day and dress correctly fam.

    Also when you leave make sure to carry ether a Tide pen for delicate clothing, or a Dryel stain remover that can scrub on heavier clothing. These are legit lifesavers for when your bro is dyeing after getting hit by a car, and you can’t save him, but you can save his clothes from a bloodstain #armystrong. Here and here

    Now that I have given you fuccboi’s the magnum opus of cleaning techniques I hope you can come back from the holiday season or go into your first day at that pointless internship letting everyone know you too are trying to be something your not, a put together adult. 

    Also if you actually want to “distress” or “not take care of your clothing” you can! I’ve seen some people with amazing pieces that are completely beat to hell.  A key to having dope style is always being aware about the condition of your clothes and how to make your garments last.

    Cheers.

Insta: @benjamin_achilles_