Buying books to pretend you're an intellectual
Listen: I am convinced every person in the entire world is boring as hell. There is not a single person on this side of the entire galaxy who isn't lame. I'm normal as hell. You're normal as hell. We are all so vastly un-special that it can't even be fully described in any worldly language. But no one can ever know that, ever, so you gotta pretend to be smart and cultured, or whatever, or everyone will know you're actually very basic. This, my friends, means you gotta gotta get some coffee table books.
Everyone always says “the clothes make the man”. That's like, a weird, specific idiom that dads say to their son when they have to convince them to not dress like a loser for a wedding. But what dads everywhere don't actually know is that the books about the clothes-that-make-the-man are what actually make the man. The ultimate flex is showing someone a fashion book the size of a cinderblock that you've never actually opened but claim to have committed to memory. They'll be basically guaranteed to be impressed.
Have you even seen the Rick Owens book??? If you look up the word “monolith” in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Rick Owens holding his Rick Owens book lying on a giant Rick Owens bed calling you a punk for owning a dictionary and not owning the Rick Owens book. And if you look up the word “dictionary” in the Rick Owens book, the entry reads “HEY. RICK HERE. THANK U FOR BUYING MY BOOK. IT WILL IMPRESS ALL YOUR FRIENDS. ALSO I LUV U. CHEERS R.”
If you bring someone home after a long day of having some good clean fun at the local school dance, you want them to think “wow, this person is really great!” You definitely do not want them to think “wow this person is a moron who describes everything as lit and insists on calling me fam.” But I know you, dude, and you're on this website right now reading an article about how books make you look like an intellectual. So, assuming the worst, you are literally that person they just described. What's going to help convince them you aren't a moron who just says “it’s lit fam” all day and all night? A nice healthy book, Motherfucker. Nothing says “worthy of attention” like something that catalogs the life work of a famous fashion designer, and everyone likes attention.
And I know what you're thinking: if I spend money on books, won't I then not be able to spend money on clothes? Can’t money only be used once? And I definitely can’t wear a book, right? To which I respond, what the fuck kind of questions are those?? Wear a book? What?? Please! Get a grip!! None of this makes any sense!!
All this being said, if you spent money on a book, you could very well actually open it and read it, and maybe even learn some cool stuff from it. As the resident Jun Takahashi fan, I've been waiting for the release of the Undercover book since winter, when I preordered it. I know I'm gonna open the hell out of that book, maybe even look in it! But definitely, and most importantly, I'm gonna leave it out where it can be seen so people think I'm very cool™.
If you’re looking for a head start, here’s a list of a few classics.
Tweet at me, @vomcent, telling me what books you want to buy in order to fully furnish your apartment.